In the past few months, I traveled to three different cities to find myself.
I started in Taipei, then went to San Jose, San Francisco, then back to Taipei.
I traveled to 3 different cities to find myself, only to realize that external circumstances can’t completely change what I feel - that no matter where I am, I will still have the same internal issues I am struggling with, namely my lack of direction and not knowing who I am and what I want, my emotional instability, my insecurities, my fears of intimacy, my difficulties in maintaining relationships.
No matter where I run to, I cannot fully run away from myself and what is hidden beneath all the layers.
But with that said - sometimes a change in scenery does help.
Sometimes it helps to be somewhere different, where you are given a chance to start over. Sometimes it helps to be somewhere new, to be around new connections, new people, interact in new places, and form new experiences.
Sometimes it helps to be somewhere foreign, so you can change, physically. In another environment, it may be easier to let go of the past, let go of all your previous attachments and burdens so that you may feel free - even if just for a fleeting moment.
I enjoyed traveling to San Jose, taking a break from lockdown in Taiwan, and at that time, my poor relationship with my parents. I needed that break, and it provided a healthy change in my mindset.
Then my two weeks in San Francisco were very positive as well, as I wrote in one of the previous newsletters. I proved to myself that I can live on my own in a new city, and it gave me courage when I was tasked with the same challenge in Taiwan.
Then my journey back to Taiwan was difficult. Taiwan was what I ran away from, so of course, it was difficult to face. But, I’m happy to say that so far, I have already overcome a lot of the issues I left here. I moved out, reconciled with my parents, took care of my mental health so I am more emotionally stable now, and am currently interviewing for jobs and making new friends.
Things are lookin’ good, all because I really gave myself enough time for a true break.
So although traveling doesn’t change everything, it helps sometimes. It helps to slow down, take a break, and just let yourself wander in foreign places.
It can help recenter you, re-orient your internal compass, and paradoxically, it can help you find your home.
Lastly, I’d like to end with a song by FINNEAS called Only a Lifetime.
“So don't waste the time you have waiting for time to pass
It's only a lifetime
That's only a while
It's not worth the anger you felt as a child”
I cried while listening to it.
Much love,
margherita x