Dear Readers,
It’s been awhile. I’ve been quite emotional lately, and I’ve been a bit out of control.
A lot of crying randomly, feeling really, really sad or really, really angry and not being able to calm myself down. A lot of intense emotions, which is not exactly surprising for me, as someone with a mood disorder.
My therapist told me I was going through a depressive episode - all the feeling sad, lost, not knowing what to do, losing joy in activities - and that surprisingly, it can last a couple of months.
But I’m trying to find ways to combat it.
Exercise is one of them, so I try to walk my dog or do something active and outdoors once a week.
I also Googled “what to do when feeling stuck” and saw a tip that suggested making a vision board. So without further ado, I went to the local art store and bought myself a board, a magazine, and some pins, and went onto pin some furniture items I like, a picture of a dog, and a farmer’s market.
Just the act of doing some kind of creative activity made me feel like me again. And I feel very proud of myself for getting started at all.
I also suggested to my mom that I cook a dish over the weekend, and was surprised at how nice it was. I was spending quality time with her, and we were able to have honest, free-flowing conversation. Although I see her everyday, we actually don’t really spend time in an activity together, so I think this is a good activity to do more.
On the music side, I’ve been obsessed with Harry’s House, Harry Style’s new album. I especially like Late Night Talking, Grapejuice and Daylight, which James Corden made a funny music video of. Honestly I just love the whole album and its uplifting beats give me serotonin.
I’ve been drawing as well, especially on Procreate, a drawing app on the iPad. I am not good at it, but I’m trying to tell myself that it’s okay to do something just because you enjoy it. It’s okay to do things just for fun.
In the midst of a breakdown recently, I also decided to text my boyfriend’s mom. I don’t normally do that because I feel a bit weird about it, since I’m not super close to her or anything. But I remembered she told me once that I can ask her anything if I need help, so I called her.
We called for a whole hour and I was pretty much crying the entire time - not really sure why, I think I was feeling especially touched. One thing she mentioned was that I am very emotional but I should not let myself be trapped in the intense emotions for long periods of time, and I should actively do things that make me happy and choose to make every day a good day.
So I decided to adopt that mindset, and for some reason, I feel happier today.
I choose to see the things I do have already instead of focusing on what I can’t get, for example, not being able to be in the US, not living on my own, not being successful in my career or working a job that is my passion, not knowing what to study for grad school. Instead, I think to myself, I live with my parents but that’s actually great because I’m really starting to get to know them as adults and build a better relationship with them, and as for being in Taiwan, I get the chance to know a new beautiful country, and build new friendships.
It’s not always all bad, and I should make the most out of the conditions I am in. I can still chase for my dreams and what I want in the future, but I can also choose to see the good in what I have now.
I can be happy now and be happy in the future. Both can co-exist.
Manifesting this energy for the rest of 2022, I hope I (and you guys) can make this year a great year :)
Love,
margherita-x