Dear Readers,
Recently, I found a new author I love.
Although I read a lot, I actually very rarely find books that I love. Books that I think are genuinely well-written.
Most are a bit too long, or aren’t interesting, or are just not there. But the book Chemistry is there. Every word of it fits.
The author is Chinese American, and in the book, the main character contemplates her racial experience and her traumatic childhood, which is probably why I resonate with it so much. The author’s two passions are chemistry and writing and in one of her interviews, she explains the difference to her between the two:
“I’ve torn down projects that my editor felt were okay, but after a while, I just thought weren’t right. That’s something I was never willing to do in science. If I, or the group, needed to just get the paper out, I didn’t really care about the narrative or the how, which is what PIs care about — getting the science perfectly right or doing that perfect experiment. But with writing, I do care. And I think caring about something is incredibly important.
You have to care, above all else. Your editor, your agent, your PI, your postdoc, whoever — they shouldn’t care as much as you do, and when you find a field in which you are the person that cares the most, then that is your field.”
I thought that made a lot of sense - evaluating what you should do by what you care about the most.
And in my life, what is that for me?
Since I was young, I have always been an artist, not in the traditional sense but in the sense that I feel most alive when I create. I’ve always loved expressing myself and the idea of making something beautiful.
In high school, I pursued it through fashion design. Now, I primarily do it through writing, specifically in writing this newsletter. Not only am I controlling the words, but also the overall look and design of this webpage (the photos, the colors, the layout etc).
But is that the thing I care the most about? I’m not sure either.
I just know that I won’t feel fulfilled in my work until I find something I genuinely care about.
And this work doesn’t have to be a job that brings me income. It can simply be some type of work that brings purpose and meaning to me.
I came across this podcast by Emma Chamberlain recently called “the truth about being self-employed”. She is a full-time YouTuber and says that if your passion is not a job that brings you income, then that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
She says that when you are self-employed, you go from 9-5 to 24/7. You are constantly thinking about your job whereas if you have a normal 9-5, at least outside of work hours, you can truly mentally disengage, and focus your energy on enjoying life.
I thought that was an interesting perspective, since I used to glamorize self-employment. Currently, I have a normal 9-5, so after work, I find that I am able to just mentally disengage and not care too much about my job.
I guess right now, I just want to figure out what my passion is. What do I care about?
I do write occassionally, but do I want to vlog eventually? Or make this writing thing bigger? Or start a podcast? Or do something more?
I’ve also been watching a lot of vloggers who live in New York, and occassionally have the desire to move there myself, with my own little red brick apartment and fire escape.
Doesn’t this view look so good?
I sometimes dream of living a life in New York perhaps working in publishing, or getting a MFA in writing, or working a 9-5 while doing my own artsy thing on the side.
I sometimes dare to dream that big, and think about how I could be really happy living that life.
But am I just glamorizing something that looks greener on the other side, or would this truly satisfy and fulfill me?
As with life, no one will hand you a book of answers. You will never get a clear sign that says “Yes, this is the right thing to do”. You must try things out before you know whether it is the right thing.
So I guess I will end this post here, like a cliffhanger to the story of my life.
With much love and contemplation,
margherita-x